Quarantine and Cocooning
After a long process and a long anticipated homecoming, it can be difficult to keep your child and your family to yourself for several more months. Many times, extended family and friends don't understand why this is SO incredibly important. Adoptive families feel pressure from the excitement or impatience of their biggest adoption supporters to meet and visit with the newest family member. While it is, of course, well-intentioned, it can make a tough, but necessary decision to stay at home during a very unpredictable and developing season even more difficult.
Because quarantine is similar in so many ways to cocooning, I thought I would take this time to help create some cross-comparisons and facilitate a better understanding of its importance. I hope that this is a useful tool for any adoptive family who may be trying to enforce their cocooning, who may soon be bringing a child into their family, or for family and friends who are giddy to welcome the newest little one to the crew but are feeling like they are stuck at a blockade. Read-on!
Much like quarantine, cocooning is self-induced for the good of all. You see, when a child grows up in a family unit beginning at conception, there is an unbelievable amount of connection that forms in those first 9 months, in-utero alone. They know your voice, the rhythm of your heartbeat and your gait, what you like to eat, and your favorite drinks. They go everywhere with you, they sleep with you, shower with you, sing, dance, and cry with you. They know your kindness and your passion, your calm and your frustration. You and your baby are ONE. But adoption doesn't start with any of that. That is stripped away when a child is separated from their birth family and their brain has no way of coping with such a deep, primal wound. It is a lonely and unnatural place for a human being to be. In order to try and integrate a child into your family through adoption, it is important to facilitate an "in-utero" time where you and your child can connect, bond, and become "one" as much as humanly possible. Let me give you some more specific examples from our own adoption journey.
Our journey was unique in that we had two months to cocoon in Haiti before coming home to Colorado (where we added a third month). Being in Haiti was a really cool bonus, both for us and for our kids! To be immersed in Haitian culture, eating Haitian food, speaking Haitian Creole, and experiencing life in Haiti during those first vital months was nothing short of incredible. It allowed us to integrate our lives in a very neutral territory for our kids. It gave them the chance to slowly learn what their new "normal" might look like without first taking them away from everything familiar. We were able to ease into parenthood with so much support and assistance from our very generous guesthouse hosts. They helped us with Creole, made several meals each day, shared about Haitian culture, and even did our laundry. During this time, we really just focused on quality time with our kids and getting to connect over music, Legos, basketball, sweaty naptimes, crafts, coloring, movies, long walks, and most importantly (for them), meals.
A huge part of cocooning for us has been teaching our kids safety and the many ways that it is securely felt within a family. They didn't come into our family with a sense of safety, but rather of survival. In Haiti, we started to establish those safe boundaries with them, one of which involved how to ask for food when they were hungry. I hear so many parents being surprised by the amount of times their kids ask for food in a given day, specifically during quarantine. Believe it or not, that was something we had to teach our kids to do in the cocooning phase. Asking for food? What is that? They hadn't been able to safely express their hunger for so long that they learned to stop asking and suffer silently. Asking for food was new and intimidating. On top of that, we had to teach them that we, their parents, were their providers. Yes you can ask for food, but you can't just ask any old adult in the vicinity. And you also don't have to go find food yourself! We are happy to fill your belly when you are hungry.
I have also noticed that during quarantine, parents have been dealing with whining, meltdowns, and crying over really simple tasks. Another piece of our cocooning "training" was learning that it was okay to cry. If you fall down, if you are mad, if you are sad. It's okay. We do hear you and we do respond. AND we want to help you! When babies cry and no one comes, they are eventually programmed to believe that they shouldn't cry. It wasn't until more recently that our kids have started calling for us when they fall down and get hurt or come to us to ask questions when they're curious about something. Those moments have been two years in the making, folks. But we began laying the groundwork during our three months of cocooning.
I think we can all agree that structure is a must have in general, but especially during these unprecedented COVID-19 times when we're all stuck at home. Prior to living in our family, structure wasn't a familiar concept for our kids. Meals and bath times were unpredictable, at best. They may or may not get dressed or change their clothes for days on end. Playtime was whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Sure, there were rules, but only if someone was watching closely enough to enforce them. We had to establish many bottom lines, including what rules are, why they exist, and why it's important to follow them (safety).
Obviously we don't have strangers, or anyone, really, coming to visit us in our homes during quarantine, but that was something our kids had grown accustomed to in Haiti. Mission groups came through like clockwork, in the Summer months particularly (don't get me started on that!). It was a free for all to get toys, attention, and selfies with all the white people. So you can imagine what that translates to when our kids arrive in America with their pick of the litter of white folks! They didn't have the luxury of experiencing "stranger danger" as babies, curling tighter into their parents' embrace when a stranger wanted to hold them. We had to teach them why strangers aren't safe, why you can't go around hugging and kissing everyone you meet, and what being in a safe family and in safe relationships really look like. They are still rediscovering that love isn't transactional, but rather, unconditional and that they don't have to be cute and cuddly to be loved, have food, or get attention.
There are so many things that I could elaborate on and share with you that we have worked on for years, all of which had to start with only the four of us taking some serious time in the cocooning phase. The list is nearly endless! These important life lessons are slowly but surely programmed into a biological child over the years through healthy development in a safe and familiar family dynamic. With adoption, however, we have to work at this every. single. day. We are reprogramming and that takes time, consistency and so much intentionality!
So what can we learn about cocooning while we're all in quarantine? Great question! I feel like every family is getting a little taste of what cocooning is like, in some small way. It's like deja vu for me. It absolutely feels like we've stepped back into a cocooning phase (minus this whole remote learning thingy). And let me tell ya...it's not easy, it's not always fun, and it's certainly not ideal. It's exhausting, draining, and also has the potential to be hugely beneficial with the right attitude! You can use this time to slow-down, connect, focus, and appreciate your family and kids. You can learn new things together, practice old things together, play, laugh, and be intentional about your time. And THAT is the entire point of cocooning!
So the next time your paths cross with an adoptive family who is trying to cocoon, remember your time in quarantine and all the things that you were able to experience because you took the opportunity. Understand that the sooner they cocoon, the better their connection and relationship will become. And try to remember how difficult a self-induced quarantine really is. Give them grace and encouragement instead of guilt and pleas to meet their little one.
Cocooning is not easy, but it's important. It's hard, but it's good. It's a self-induced, post-adoption quarantine and it is difficult for all involved. That includes immediate family, and extended family and friends, alike. But the benefits far exceed the struggle! So, support your family or friends in their decision. Honor it. Respect it. Ask how you can be helpful during this time. See if they need a meal prepared or offer to watch their biological kids for the day. The sooner they feel unwavering support and can focus on their cocooning, the sooner they'll be on their way to opening the door and building more safe relationships with you!
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