Don't Judge

My, oh my has it been awhile since I have gathered my thoughts for a blog post. Lately, I have been so focused on wrapping up my book that I haven't taken the time to add any new posts to our blog and BOY does this feel good!

As a quick recap (if you can put a few years into a few sentences) Ephraim and Isla have been in our family for 2 years now. It has certainly had it's up's and down's for all of us, but overall, we're really starting to settle into being a family of four. From the outside looking in, everything is just dandy with all their sweet smiling photos and our favorite family outings. But on the inside, it has had some very lonely seasons and that is what I want to scratch the surface of today.

Both of our kiddos have struggled socially, mostly at the start of elementary school. It was big, overwhelming, loud, full of unfamiliar sights, sounds, smells, faces, and void of any "safe" relationships. See, we spent months creating what is called "felt-safety" for our kids by cocooning and building our family dynamic. They hadn't felt this sense of safety since being apart from their Haitian family and that sends the brain and body into survival mode. Both kiddos had lost their ability to trust anyone but themselves (and each other) and we have been working tirelessly (still are) to restore that. But a big elementary school brought all of that fear and distrust right back to the surface.

The first few months of school were pretty smooth for Ephraim minus a few cultural nuances that he is still figuring out. But my little Isla really struggled. It was complete flight, fight, or freeze and I had NEVER seen her like this! It was immediately obvious that A) Isla was more attached to me than I realized (thank you LAWD) as I was often the only one that could calm her down, and B) that we had to do some quick and deep relationship building with the adults at school so she could find some of that safety that we had so effectively established at home. But if you don't understand trauma, PTSD, and the brain and nervous systems, you probably would look at my daughter and think, "What a little brat!" I know I used to. She was running, hitting, snarling, yelling, growling, biting, and trying to protect herself from this dangerous new place. It was pure fight or flight but it was all new to me. I hate to admit that I used to think that parents just didn't take the time to teach or discipline their kids when they acted a certain way that appeared defiant....boy, was I wrong!!

Drew will tell you that I'm basically the drill sergeant in our family. I run a very tight ship and for good reason. No structure = No safety = CHAOS. So I am the last person to blame for the behavior I was seeing Isla struggle with at school. There are many other things to blame, but parenting styles or lack thereof was not the culprit.

I'm happy to say that with much time and much intentionality by our family, the teachers, the staff, and the social-emotional team, Isla has settled into a very nice rhythm at school. You may have even seen that she recently received a Good Citizen Award at school for her thoughtful character, productivity, helpful attitude, and sticking up for others. But this was no easy feat for her or her team. It has been a constant uphill battle and we are hopeful to have come out on top (at least for now)!

But, as life goes, when it's not one, it's the other. We started Ephraim in some playtherapy over Christmas break and, while it has been beautiful, it has also been a disaster. He had learned to pretend and adapt so well that he had been surviving life in America with all of his fear, anger, and frustration hidden far beneath the surface. He had internalized that he had to be good to get good so he shoved it all down and pretended everything was fine. Let's just say that therapy sent all those things a-boiling-over and we are now working with the team at school as well as his therapist to help him navigate his really big, scary, feelings. But I'm really struggling, if I'm honest.

I'm struggling because some of the things he says and does are just flat out rude, disrespectful, and downright embarrassing. I often wonder (and worry) what parents, teachers, and students think of him (and of me) when they only get a 10-second glimpse into our life. He has the biggest heart and it has been broken by so many unfair cards that he was dealt. I see the GOOD in him, but he struggles to accept it or to show it because that makes him vulnerable and open to more hurt. He'd rather control how others respond by knowing how he can make them feel....the way he felt when he was alone and scared for three and a half years without a family. That's safer. Walls are better. There's less risk. He's in control and that equals safety.

I know deep down that I can't focus on what others think. It will simply drive me mad and it doesn't really matter, anyhow. I can't try to explain away every behavior or poor choice with a brain, neuro-system, and trauma lesson. I can't tell every passer-by the tragic story that is wholly his to share as he pleases just to gain some sympathy and grace. But I can care about the way I think when it comes to other families and the ways that their struggles look different than ours. I have so much more compassion for parents when their child is struggling to be kind. I get it. Me too. I don't judge when a kiddo throws a fit and doesn't want to leave or move on to the next activity. I get it. Me too. I can relate when a child really just needs to have a special toy or chew necklace to help them cope with a situation. I get it. Me too. I don't have to see a special need to understand and empathize.

Whether it's sensory, trauma, lagging skills, or the many other forms of visible and invisible special needs, I have compassion and empathy for all of these families. It's already tough to be a parent (even if there aren't special needs...I see you, too!). But tack on special needs and it's a whole new ball game that often feels like you need an entire team of players just to keep your head above water! Can I get an AMEN, special needs parents?

So today, can we just all agree that we'll have more compassion for parents and kids who are struggling? Don't judge. Just LOVE!