The Connected Child

When we began this process two and a half years ago, we had some required training for both our Home Study and Dossier approvals. One of the required readings was Dr. Karyn Purvis’ book, “The Connected Child”. I remember thoroughly enjoying my reading, especially with a background in child development. It challenged what I had learned in the best way since my education had been solely based on children without trauma or special needs. Up until recently, the reading that I did over two years ago was about hypothetical children. There was no application for me until April when we finally met the amazing little humans that call us Mama and Papa! But even still, behaviors and personalities will continue to unfold as our kids become more (or less) comfortable with us and their environments and we will continue to adapt and transform.

As I have been re-rereading and highlighting like crazy over these past few weeks, I have come to realize, yet again, how important it is for us to advocate for our children and educate those of you who will be a part of their lives. There are things that you couldn’t possibly understand without an in-depth knowledge of adoption, trauma, fear, and learned-behaviors. Discipline can look very different from that applied to biological children with no history of neglect, abuse or trauma. And yet, the physical appearance of our children in comparison to peers their age and their acts of belligerence or misbehavior are seemingly identical. It’s a very tricky mind-game and we have already begun taking strides to remember that although he may be five years old, and she, three, they cannot be held to such simple standards. Dr. Purvis says it best:

         

She addresses such misconceptions with a vivid description here:               

Throughout these enlightening pages, Dr. Purvis covers countless ways to become allies with our children in the fight to retrain their brains and provide a safe and predictable environment. We will eventually form a deeply-rooted trust and eliminate the fear-based-responses and poor behavior. But it won’t be easy and it is a road we have only just begun to tip-toe down. We have already seen improvements in certain behaviors just by applying Dr. Purvis’ principles and using compassion and nurturing while requiring respect. We are teaching the use of words to identify their feelings, and emotions. We are working on eye contact and using firm voices without yelling or appearing angry. We are offering choices to maintain a safe environment that we are in charge of while still providing a sense of control and independence. We know the importance of a “yes” being a “yes” and a “no” being a “no”, but also realize that there is room for compromise when circumstances shift. We meet their basic needs and have seen tremendous strides forward, especially when it comes to the concern of food and not having enough.

And yet, we know that all of this progress will likely be undone by uprooting them from a place where they have grown comfortable and learned to survive. Of course it isn’t healthy or safe to be surviving in an orphanage, but it is all they know and it’s terrifying to feel like your world is spinning out of control. We know that uncertainty and fear will create undesirable reactions, and we are prepared to increase their felt-safety in order to decrease such reactions. It will take time and it will take loads of patience (both from us and from our friends and family).

We plan to “cocoon” for at least a month if not longer, depending on how our kiddos seem to be adjusting when home. What is most important is that we form a strong bond of attachment between us and them. Inviting strangers (new people to them) over to meet them and hold them is counter-productive to that bonding time. It can undermine the progress we have already made by encouraging some of the learned-manipulative behaviors to get their basic needs met and to survive in the orphanage. This past trip, we witnessed a prime example of such behaviors that continue to permeate orphanages around the world.

A church group from the U.S. came for a few hours to visit the kids. They played games and sang songs with the Creole translator, listened to a story (that was interesting to watch as the privileged Americans attempted to relate to the struggles and traumas of these kiddos) and then proceeded to pass out toys. I could write pages about why these seemingly-harmless and well-intentioned visits are detrimental to the kids while the visitors leave with stories to tell about how happy the kids were to see them, and to sit on their laps and cuddle. Maybe another day. My point for today is that these kids have been taught time and again that if I want something that someone has, all I have to do is be cute and do whatever they want and I’ll get it. They learn manipulation. It’s sad and disgusting and so unhealthy, but it’s survival. There’s no one protecting them or making them feel safe. In fact, these behaviors are awarded time and again, making them an automatic, programmed response when they feel there is a need that someone (stranger or not) can help fill. Hence, the need to attach and connect with us, their parents. We have to prove to them that we can be trusted. That we will fulfill all their needs and that they need not look elsewhere to find solutions. They must learn that they no longer need to be in charge and that, with us, it is safe to be a kid again. It will be hard. It will challenge us and stretch us beyond belief. We will need thoughts, prayers, encouragement, patience and just downright help sometimes. But it will all be worth it.

This book will soon be tattered and worn from frequent use. It will be off of the shelf for heaven only knows how long. But it will be well-loved because our kids are and we will do right by them no matter what. Whatever it takes.

If you want to learn more about how we will teach and parent our kiddos, let’s get together! It will certainly look unconventional to many of you, but I think it’s safe to say that we don’t usually go about life in the most conventional of ways, nor have our children had the most conventional childhood! And if you love to read, I strongly recommend “The Connected Child”. I guarantee it will transform the way you see adoption and help you to see the beauty in the ashes. It will certainly enable you to be an encourager and cheerleader for anyone you know who may be facing the same challenges with their adopted child(ren). And of course, keep an eye out for my future blog posts that will cover a more in-depth view of the techniques that Dr. Purvis teaches.

Thank you for taking the time to read and understand our journey! It is only just the beginning and we are so grateful for your grace, compassion, patience, understanding, encouragement and downright awesomeness! Happy Monday, friends!