Celebrate (not always "Happy") Mother's Day

Mother’s Day…a day that, quite honestly, has not been one of my favorite days of the year for quite some time now. Not that I don't have a mom who deserves to be celebrated or that I think it ridiculous. But more so because, for me, it has been a day set aside to remind me of what seems like an eternity of failed attempts at becoming a “mom”.

Growing up, Brianne Bonawitz, I was always THAT GIRL. You know…the one who would grow up, get married and have babies. My dream has always been and still is, to be a mom. It’s an irreplaceable dream. There is no substitute or equivalent. It’s a remarkable gift that nothing else can compare to. Everything I have done in my nearly 30 years of life has primed me for motherhood. As early as I can I remember, I volunteered in the nursery with my mom at church.  When I was old enough, I taught Sunday school to Kindergartners. I was a babysitter, a baby-stalker (meaning if you had a baby, I wanted to hold him/her), and the girl who could cheer up a crying baby in the checkout line at Target just by smiling at them and waving. I have THAT THING. I don't know what it is, but kids get it and I get them. I taught Preschool from my junior year of high school until I got married and I've been a nanny ever since…going on 8 years. Kids have filled my life, even from the time I was 3. I remember concocting stories of how my “kids”, aka Cabbage Patch Dolls, would misbehave at home or at school and telling my mom just how exhausted I was from having to look after them amidst all their made-up mischief. If that is not “mom-material”, I don't what is!

You can imagine the struggle to get out of bed every year and “celebrate” my lack of being a mom. Yes, of course, I celebrate my mom, who also waited a long time for children and who deserves to be celebrated despite my frustrations. Every mom deserves to be celebrated, and my own emotions should not hinder that. But I do think that those difficult emotions can add something to this yearly celebration. They can add empathy for those who are in the same shoes or encouraging words for those who are mourning the loss of their mother. There is so much love and strength involved in being a woman, especially in the realities of motherhood…and I think we need to build each other up, no matter where we are at in that journey. It should be about celebrating and lifting up those around us who may be hurting or struggling on their own.

And that’s how this year is different for me. I've certainly done my best in the past to be considerate of those around me who also struggle with this particular holiday in their own ways. But this year, I'm taking a step in a new direction and using a very different lens. Instead of focusing on my 5-years-of-trying-to-be-a-mom-failures, I'm focusing on the needs of children; particularly my future children that are waiting and wishing for someone to call “mom”.

I wonder if they have ever met their mom, or if they ever will. I wonder if they know where they come from and the love and strength their mom must have had. I wonder what it feels like to deal with the hurt of abandonment and to fight the idea that you were not wanted or couldn't be cared for every. single. day. I wonder if they wish for hugs and kisses and “I love you’s”. I hope they can know that they are loved by a family they don't yet know. They deserve to feel hopeful and joyful and excited for the future. I pray that they realize they are valuable and a gift unlike any other. I want to be the mom they have always imagined, a trusted confidant and a renewed sense of hope in family. And finally, I hope that our home is somewhere they will feel safe and loved and forever wanted.

That’s why this year is different. I may not be a mom in the traditional sense of the word, but I will be a mom nonetheless. And from this point on, I want to be courageous, an example of strength and hope, encouraging others despite my own hurt and shortcomings, full of hope, love and joy because they have given me all those things and I haven't even met them...yet.